What do you do if your child starts throwing themselves on the floor, crying, and kicking the shelves right in the middle of the supermarket?
Tantrums, which all parents face from time to time, especially increase during certain stages of development. Rather than focusing on and criticising negative behaviour in children, the first step is to appreciate positive behaviour.
If tantrums occur more frequently than expected for developmental stages if the child is causing harm to themselves or others, and if they persist for a long time, seeking help from a professional is advisable.
When a child is having a tantrum, becoming even angrier, shouting at the child, using derogatory language, hitting, or punishing them in any physical way is not appropriate.
What Do We Understand by Tantrums in Children? What Are the Causes?
Every person gets angry many times throughout their life. Therefore, anger is a common occurrence in every child, regardless of their temperament. Anger is an intense negative emotion that we frequently encounter and is not solely attributed to a single cause. Sometimes, anger episodes, which we also call tantrums, involve exaggerated and uncontrollable behaviours that can harm oneself and others, beyond simple annoyance or anger.
Considering this definition, we cannot say that anger has a single cause. Additionally, it would not be correct to claim that every anger episode has a serious underlying psychological reason. Failure to regulate oneself and expressing negative emotions inappropriately are among the most common reasons for tantrums in young children. Externally, frustration is the most common trigger for tantrums. Not getting what they want or being unable to cope with the current negative emotion can be reasons for getting angry. So, sometimes, children can express their extreme unhappiness through tantrums, or they can exhibit tantrums due to intense sibling jealousy. Additionally, familial factors can also lead to tantrums because we can list all situations that could disrupt the relationship between children and their parents and increase conflict. These include depression or chronic illness in the mother, low quality of caregiving, inadequate parenting skills, chaotic family structure, domestic violence, and so on.
In Which Age Groups Are Tantrums Most Common?
Tantrums can occur in children of all age groups. However, when developmental stages are examined, it is known that they mostly begin between 2-3 years old, increase between 3-6 years old, decrease during the school years, and reappear during adolescence in a different form.
The age of two is the period of individuation and independence. Therefore, in healthy children, around the age of two, stubbornness, power struggles, and opposition typically begin to manifest.
Especially in the preschool period before school, tantrums are more common, and since it is more challenging to work with a child’s anger during this period, more responsibility falls on the parents.
Regulation disorders, which we also call emotional regulation problems, are common from infancy onwards. Since their neurobiological maturity is not yet sufficient, young children cannot regulate themselves. Good examples of this include children becoming cranky when they are very tired or crying because they are hungry, even though their stomachs are full.
How Should Families Respond to Tantrums?
Teaching a child to control their anger is quite challenging, especially in the younger age group where verbal expression is limited, and emotional regulation is not yet developed. In this case, family attitude is particularly decisive in intervening in tantrums.
First and foremost, regardless of the child’s age, parents should maintain “calmness.” Then, they should be “patient” and “persistent,” and both parents and other caregivers should display a similar attitude during each tantrum.
In terms of preventing tantrums, “unconditional love” is undoubtedly necessary, and this is an indispensable parental attitude. In other words, we love our children not because they tidy their room or finish their meal, but unconditionally, without any conditions, and we need to make sure our child feels this. In opposite situations, sometimes when children fail to fulfil even the smallest condition, they may think that their parents do not love them, and they may even become more upset or afraid they won’t be loved, leading to more intense tantrums.
Another point is “respect.” Especially from the age of 2, we may need to respect that children have autonomy and have the right to express themselves, even in the simplest matters, such as having the right to choose.
For children aged 2-3, family characteristics are determinative in child behaviour. Because every child aged 2-3 may be temporarily stubborn, but if intense tantrums occur, it is necessary to examine the conflict between the child and the family. It should be considered that the child’s ability to stop themselves is limited, and empathy is undeveloped during this period. During this period, when the crisis begins, it should be remembered that their ability to stop themselves is limited, and empathy is undeveloped. Again, during this period, care should be taken to regulate important aspects of daily routine, such as regular sleep and eating habits. While habits like toilet training are being established, care should also be taken not to be coercive and to avoid serious conflicts with the child.
From the age of 3 onwards, children begin to socialise and understand social emotions, and others’ needs. Empathy skills start to develop around the age of 4. However, since this period still carries “self-centred” characteristics, children will continue to insist on their own desires. In this age group, parents should also approach children by taking into account that children’s judgment abilities are developing.
Talking about children’s feelings is an approach that can be applied to tantrums. In other words, the child may be experiencing negative emotions such as sadness, anger, resentment, fear, anxiety, or any other emotion. In this case, as parents, presenting the most appropriate emotion in the scenario to the child and ensuring that the child recognizes their emotion can reduce tantrums. Rather than focusing on and criticising negative behaviour in children, the first step is to appreciate positive behaviour.
When Should Professional Help Be Sought in This Matter?
If tantrums occur more frequently than expected for developmental stages, if the severity of tantrums is intense, if they cause harm to oneself or others, if they persist for a long time, if they occur in other settings outside the home such as nursery or preschool and pose a problem, families should seek help from a professional without delay. Sometimes, early-onset attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, intense impulsivity, attachment disorders, oppositional defiant disorder, difficulties related to sensory integration, childhood depression, or underlying developmental problems such as autism, intellectual disability, and many psychiatric disorders can lead to tantrums. In this case, it is necessary to consult a child psychiatrist, especially.
What Are Some Mistakes Families Make in This Matter?
Not remaining calm and composed is one of the biggest mistakes. Punitive approaches are at the bottom of the list when managing child behaviour when trying to establish discipline. If we immediately apply this last step without the child understanding their emotions or understanding which event led to the tantrum, tantrums become even more unmanageable. It is not appropriate to punish at the wrong time or frequently.
When a child is having a tantrum, becoming even angrier, shouting at the child, using derogatory language, hitting, or punishing them in any physical way is not appropriate. Sometimes, families may say things like “I don’t love you,” “You make me sick,” “Go be someone else’s child,” and similar words, even though they may not have any basis in reality. This is a form of emotional abuse, and the child may become even more traumatized and experience severe tantrums as a result. Additionally, the relationship based on secure attachment between the child and the parent is disrupted, which may not have immediate negative consequences but can exacerbate problems during adolescence, a developmental period characterized by separation and opposition to parents.
Another point is “inconsistent attitudes.” Both parents should react similarly to a behaviour. Consistency should not depend on the situation. For example, if we allowed a tantrum yesterday when we were in a good mood, it is not right to react excessively today because we are tired. Our own behaviour should also be consistent. Children who already have imbalances in regulating their emotions can be provided with the best example and support as “persistent, consistent, and patient.”
